If you’re a member of the Labour Party, or share a flat with a member of the Labour Party and often fuck around with their mail, you’ll soon be able to vote for a new leader. Pericles said that in a democracy we have a solemn duty to be informed, even though it is “dull as shit”. That is why I’ve boiled down the strengths and weaknesses of the four candidates into a handful of stats, so that one may better imagine them doing battle in some form of arena.

Andy Burnham

Age: 45

Campaign slogan: “I am the change that Labour will probably plump for.”

Most controversial statement: “We need less immigrants” [criticised for using “less” instead of “fewer” by racist pedants].

Weak spots: Was involved in the Mid Staffs NHS scandal. Seen as continuation of Miliband’s politics. Vulnerable to being kicked in the balls.

Special powers: Northern, meaning he can summon a kestrel at will (ala Kes) and is capable of heartbreakingly beautiful ballet even though you wouldn’t expect it. Very thin mouth, useful for if he had to get it into a small space, which would be useful in a situation where that was required. Saying that the small deficit Labour was running before the crash was wrong but “didn’t cause the crash”, in an almost-interesting statement of economic values.

Red menace rating: 6/10

Electability rating: 6/10 (the ‘Miliband sweet spot’).

One hand bigger than the other?: No. 

Yvette Cooper

Age: 46

Campaign slogan: “I passionately believe that the future is ahead of us, that the past is behind us and that the present is what is currently unfolding”.

Most controversial statement so far: “I will have just milk and no sugar, please” [in response to George Osborne’s budget]. 

Weak spots: Lack of substantial opinion means she is non-corporeal.

Special powers: Woman, giving her the ability to gestate for nine months and produce living beings, a collection of which could be used as some form of personal army. Was bitten by a radioactive nothingness, giving her the ability to appear to be uttering units of language that express information or values but which in fact do neither. Self-professed strong inclination towards “solutions” and “having dialogue around issues concerning issues”.

Red menace rating: Exactly 5/10

Electability rating: Exactly 5/10

One hand bigger than the other?: No.

Liz Kendall

Age: 44.

Campaign slogan: “I will do anything to win. Do you want me to kill this child? Seriously, I will fucking stove his head in if it gets me ONE vote in Nuneaton.”

Most controversial statement so far: “OK, I killed the kid. He has a shallow grave. You think I’m serious about winning in 2020 now? DO YOU THINK I’M SERIOUS?” [doorstepping in Coventry].

Weak spots: Acceptance of Conservative rhetoric about austerity. Prone, in battle situations, to chopping off her own limbs to use as a weapons.

Special powers: Being most likely to win a general election. Having been former Director of the Ambulance Services Network. Wearing an eyepatch and swigging from a bottle of whiskey whilst standing on the ramparts of a battlefield shouting “I do not fear death or the fires of Hell, so long as I gain a +4% swing in Basslewick South”.

Red menace rating: 3/10

Electability rating: 8/10

One hand bigger than the other?: No

Jeremy Corbyn

Age: Well over 100. 

Campaign slogan: “Britain has no real industrial strategy. Our national infrastructure – energy, housing, transport, digital – is outdated, leaving the UK lagging behind other developed economies. The OBR shows this public investment is being cut back even further by this government. You cannot cut your way to prosperity. We need to invest in our future. We need investment in new large scale housing, energy, transport and digital projects. This would give our economy a huge boost: upgrading our outdated infrastructure and creating over a million skilled jobs. Businesses large and small would benefit from the knock-on effects to the supply chain.”

Most controversial statement so far: “The historical example of the Great Depression and the current example of the US economy shows that you can only reduce debt as a proportion of GDP with a growth strategy, which requires a stimulus.” [For which he was given a police caution].

Weak spots: Clearly mentally ill. Can be lured into a Roadrunner-style trap (possibly involving a large catapult) if tempted by a pile of books by Marx.

Special powers: Rumoured that when angry he turns into a twenty-foot high, incredibly strong green monster who bangs on about longterm economic investment whilst everyone rolls their eyes at him.

Red menace rating: 10/10

Electability rating: 0*/10 (*w/ possible increase in event of UK electorate being replaced entirely with Swedish people).

One hand bigger than the other?: No. 

INTO THE ARENA: A blow-by-blow commentary of how the fight would go.

Cooper makes a bold opening move by introducing herself. “Hello, I’m Yvette Cooper”, she says. Burnham uses his ability to express propositions that might arouse interest to bamboozle her, before hitting her over the head with a chair. But wait! Kendall has jumped into the ring armed with two guns, one of which she is pointing at her OWN head. Burnham is wrong footed by this. Hold on – he’s saying “Labour has lost the hearts of the electorate…so I’m going to rip out your heart and offer it to the country.” He’s going for it, but – SHIIIIIT – Kendall has just ripped out her own heart and is eating it, laughing. Burnham looks scared and confused. HOLD ON – both candidates are turning around. Corbyn is in the ring and is talking about the dangers of another property bubble. Burnham and Kendall are BOTH clothes lining him, and he’s on the ground. Now Kendall has turned on Burnham, and has ripped out his spine. She is using it to beat Corbyn into a bloody pulp. “It’s a mercy killing, he was insane!” she shouts. The crowd agrees. And there she stands, minus one heart but with spine to spare. Kendall wins it.

Information on the candidates is also available from the BBC.

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